I am The Ladybear Plantain and I am a life consultant and writer. I blog about my experiences and current events, and offer a unique slant to motivate the modern urbanite. I am available for individual and group consulting. Visit my contact page for more information and availability.
Today was my last day in Mexico City. I intended to go with my friend to the Frida Kahlo Museum but when we arrived the line was so long and we decided to skip it. Instead, we went to the town square of Coyoacon… the neighborhood where Frida lived. I’m so glad that we decided to explore the square rather than ry to see the museum because he had been there before, and I (really wanted to go from my couch in California) didn’t want to go when I saw the lines wrapping around the block.
Ok, so this town is fucking gorgeous. The square is lush with a central fountain, a beautiful Cathedral, and gardens surrounded by al fresco cafes. It is like Mexico and Italy had a love child. We had a delicious lunch, and then went to explore the local marketplace which was filled with crafts and art. I bought a rattle for my nephew, a t-shirt for my dad, and some other gifts for friends.
When we first got to the square we went to see the cathedral. Mass was going on and we decided to come back later. After shopping in the marketplace, we debated what to do and I declared…. “Lets go in the church and check it out!” as if it was exactly the right thing to do.
When we entered, my friend (who was walking ahed of me) took a pew and knelt to pray. I was struck by this because I hadn’t know him to be a religious person. I thought it surprising and cool, and decided to walk around on my own for a while to give him some space.
I passed him up and headed towards the alter in the front of the cathedral…. a beautiful and grand space with gilt arches, stain glass windows, and a wonderful rotunda that filled the spiritual focal point with a beautiful glowing light.
As I walked towards its holy center I instinctively stopped and took a seat. From the vantage point I had looking towards the alter…. the way the light hit…. I was struck by an overwhelming feeling that my father (dead over 10 years) was present in that rotunda. I literally saw him in the light that radiated the space.
I began to sob uncontrollably.
I sat there for half an hour looking at the arches, the rotunda, the stained glass windows… I don’t know how to explain that I say my father in the architecture, but when I looked there… the space flooded with light…. I knew he was the one filling that space. I say his eyes in the stars of the stain glass, his smile in the arches of the building, and his body in all the light that filled the cavernous interior. I sat there and talked to him. I let him hug me. I prayed for and about hit. It was a moment so unexpected, and one I am so grateful for.
Today my motivational moment is about the spiritual world and how we never know when to expect to connect with it. I believe that there are levels to life that we cannot see from our vantage points on earth. There are things occurring around us that cannot be quantified or measured, nor can they be sought out or even named. Some things are not just beyond our control, they are beyond our reality. Today…. for me…. was evidence of this fact. There is a spiritual component to our existence. There are connections between things that we cannot map out… but even in the presence of such ambiguity I know that it is crucial to believe that we are being watched, guarded, loved, and remembered by those important souls who once showed their face on earth.
Peace and love,
Let me start by saying that for years I have participated in the world of recreational online sex. I went to therapy to address this, and several years later, the knowledge I gained in sessions is starting to show up in my life. I hope that is enough information to give context to this blog.
As individuals we have the ability to create and state what we want. “I want to loose weight” or “I want to get married”. We can claim goals for ourselves, however we cannot always map out how we get there. I’ve learned that it is important to recognize approximations of success because as life takes its course and the influence of others enters our realms, we must be cautious to judge ourselves. It’s crucial that we keep our eye on the prize and that we don’t let incremental challenges derail our journey.
Recently in began dating a guy. I thought he was the perfect guy for me… he lives local, we share hobbies, and we have a passion for travel. We even decided to take a trip to Mexico City together.
Prior to the trip I began to notice some things about him that seemed questionable. He’s been a little flaky, he’s lacked in communication, and he really isn’t good in the sack. In fact he’s one of the worst lovers I’ve ever had. However, the trip was planned and paid for and so I stuck it out for the sake of opportunity… I was going to go on vacation to a place that I had never seen, and I was going to go with someone I was dating (a first for me).
It’s the last day of the trip and I’m writing this after waking up to a note saying that he’d be back in a few hours. No big deal. I actually don’t really care because the trip helped me see two important things… a beautiful city, and how completely incompatible we are.
Part of me started to feel bad on this trip… like I was wasting my time traveling with him. I felt bad sitting at dinner tables in silence as he stared off into space. Then I realized that I really didn’t care… and that’s when I began to reframe things to see my successes, and not the consequential failures his influence imparted in my journey.
Let’s take stock:
I’ve always wanted to be with a guy who likes to travel and love the idea of seeing the world with the man I’m into. (Check)
I’ve wanted to be dating a local guy with similar hobbies (check)
In the areas that are lacking… sex and conversation… it’s completely fair to say that the low proficiency is due to him, not me.
Taking a step back to see the whole picture, and how he fits with my journey towards love and partnership, I realized that I have not failed. In fact I have triumphed. I’ve done things with this man that I’ve always wanted to do with a guy… and I’ve enjoyed them. Although it is clear to me now that we are not going to end up together, I also realize that I have actualized many of my desires in life through the experience of dating him.
Today, the last day of my trip, my motivational moment is about approximations of success and how important it is to recognize that we cannot control the influence of others in our lives, but that we can control our influences on our own lives.
Sure I may be ready for a partner… but I cannot just call down for room service and order the perfect man. Rather I’ll need to continue to experiment with dating until I find that perfect match.
This guy fits many of my aspirations in a partner. Even though I know he and I are not going to be together I deserve a big pat on the back for choosing to explore a relationship with someone who embodies many of the things I am looking for. Yeah… it’s not going to work outwits him, however I’m still on track towards my goal of being with someone wonderful…
Bad sex and conversation aside he’s a good guy and someone who could have been right for me… and I’m happy that I’ve manifested such an example of my own growth and change.
Onward and upward!
Peace and love,
Recently I had a long conversation with my dear friend Maxine about relationships and the big “aha” we shared was this:
In today’s world of online dating, where there are so many options bombarding us, what puts some a cut above the rest is their ability to pick wisely.
It came to light in our conversation that it is important to be choosy about who to engage with at ALL levels, and that instead of throwing a wide net that might catch a lot of fish it is more valuable to cast out a single line when the conditions are right. Furthermore, it is vital that online daters, like her and I, refrain from the temptation of every piece of bait.
Today my motivational moment is about choice versus impulse, and how exercising choice can lead us more efficiently towards our desired outcomes. For instance, Maxine wants to be with a girl who is edgy, cool, accomplished, and open-hearted. I recently met a girl she has been on and off with, and she’s pretty awesome. Even though there have been some low points in their relationship I can at least vouch for the fact that she is an awesome chick. Maxine made a good choice pursuing her and now they have a friendship that flirts its way along. There may not be a commitment on the horizon, but Maxine has a quality friend out of this relationship. If nothing more… that’s pretty fantastic.
When dating… It is so important that we act from a place of choice, and not a place of impulse because in human to human relationships acting on impulse puts a lot of control and power in the hands of someone else. Choice on the other hand draws us towards our core values and desires, and helps us to maintain personal balance in our lives. It’s through impulse that we get what someone else wants, and through choice that we get what we want. For that reason alone, we must choose wisely.
Peace and Love,
My closest friend in the world is starting to date a guy that he met 3 years ago on Craigslist. They met because my friend was looking to have some hot fun, and his Latino ass fit the bill.
Fast forward three years and the meet again… this time on Grindr.
There was still a strong sexual undertone in the conversation about them getting together. They talked about hanging out and watching Netflix, and talked about maybe having a drink. Horny-ness was acknowledged and plans were made.
They met, watched some TV, and then decided to lay down and “take a nap” while watching a movie. One film led to another. They cuddled the entire time… holding each other, holding hands, his lips pressed to his shoulder.
(Who knows about the other guy but my friend definitely felt something.)
They’re about to go on their third date… prior to which my friend reached out to ask how long you should wait to fuck a guy your dating, even tho you fucked before?!
This time things seemed different. It felt like these two very sexual individuals had realized that they had more between them than they past imagined.
The answer is complicated.
Assuming an answer exists.
Today, this 4th of July, my motivational moment is about time and how the layering of experiences is ultimately what leads us to be who we are, and to have what we have… as individuals, as partners, as family, and as friends. Time is the key ingredient to our lives because it is the vessel that allows our actions to equate all that we are.
My advice to my friend is… as long as he and you are engaging and planning to spend time together than the best thing to be done is to enjoy the moments and look forward to planning the next.
As for the sex, who knows? But, time will tell.
It occurs to me that there is another issue at hand here. One that I think needs to be raised and discussed. Perhaps I will lend more detail to it at a future time, but allow me to touch on it briefly now.
In the world of online dating new behaviors are emerging. Specifically, we are having more connectivity to one and other, and for that reason there has been a marked increase in casual sex.
People are enjoying these new sexual freedoms and opportunities.
There seems to be some difficulty transitioning between the lifestyle of sexual freedom, to the lifestyle of dating and partnership. One thing my friend is concerned with is how he and his guy might be able to discuss how one and other indulged in the digital dating lifestyle when they were single. He is also concerned about deciding what indulgences may or may not continue should he and this guy couple up. As he puts it… “When you were claiming to want a 3-way 3 years ago…. how do you take it from that to ‘husband and wife’ ?”
Just something to chew on.
So this happened…. I met a guy on a dating/hookup site. He came on to me for a hook up basically inviting himself over to “watch Netflix and chill.” Initially I told him that I wasn’t feeling well because of being hung over after my birthday celebration. Next I tried my best to steer the conversation towards something more dignified like meeting for coffee or a bite to eat. This is literally the conversation we had through text via phone (more was previously said on the app and that has not been included here as it is pretty much irrelevant):
Sunday 6:21 pm
Hey! so doing better now. I was wondering if you’d be down to meet up for a bite to eat instead. I think I really need to eat then come home and get some rest. How’s that sound?
I would, but I just had dinner with the parents
Ok. Let’s meet another time then cause I’m really feeling tired even tho I feel better. Sorry!
Mmm ok. We’ll see. I tried. When would that another time ben
Honestly it was a long night and I’m tired and haven’t been feeling well so the thought of sex is not appealing at the moment. Almost any time. I’m ********* and off *********.
Sure. I’m having lunch with my parents and then free.
Ok we’ll keep in touch then
Monday 11:35 am
Are u home?
So I can go right now lol
Wow dude. So you are just about a hook up.
I’m not looking for sex right now. Other things going on.
Well that what we talked about at first why are u even surprise?
Cause I was trying to get you to hang out for more than just that and you are all hard core sexting me. LOL. I’m not surprised. Just surprised you are only down for that that’s all.
U have in your profile ******** I men come on bro. I said I was down to have a bromance not a boyfriend.
I know what I put on there and I also know that is only one side of my self. So yeah, if you can’t get that then I’m sorry. Catch me another time when all I want to do is fuck mindlessly lol.
Been horny just like u when u get horny n u wanna **************. Don’t ne saying “wow i only wanna hook up” i mean thats what i got from your profile. What do u mean i only wanna have sex? I mean duh? I said i was down to cuddle, watch a movie, hang out. idk why all of a sudden u getting mad i mean wasn’t the main reason we talked on ********* to *********? Lol n then the rest fall into place don’t make it weird
This is too much for texting. Look I’d probably get down with you in the end anyway but bromance means we are bros too and I really don’t want to start off knowing you just from us ********. And btw you were away more graphic about what you wanted to do (earlier texting on dating app) so please don’t play innocent. I’m not mad either. I’m just asserting what I want to happen. I don’t think I’m making it weird suggesting that we have a bite to eat or something.
I got busy, and i never play the innocent, thats the last thing i wanna be. We can do that, i don’t mind. But I’m a horndog n u gonna have to deal with that too if u are willing to have a bromance i don’t mind. When i first meet someone a more private setting i prefer. Maybe we can watch a movie at your place. i’ll bring food and u can cook for me lol we can cuddle, maybe kiss. No sex! if thats what you prefer I’m ok with that, the second time we can grab a bite.
I’m down for all that. Trust me I’m not trying to lock down a boyfriend but I want more than just some ***********. So cool let’s set something up to meet. Do you drink, *******, bike ride? What are you hobbies.
Well if we get lost in the boyfriend world maybe lol i drink. I can *******. But i don’t really do it. I like bike rides buy i don’t have one. Like to go for walks to the beach. Like to go to by bootcamp n gym, Movies, cuddle lol eat. Bars, clubs but sometimes i just wanna be lazy n stay home lol
Why does the boyfriend world allow you to drink? lol
Lol forgot to put a comma lol
Ok we have some thins in common and some not I’m not really into the gay bars but I do like to go out with friends to a cool restaurant bar etc. Oh haha I get it. You’re saying maybe to getting a bite to eat first or something like that, right?
Thats good lol Nope the opposite lol.
Ok? Clarification then please 🙂
I prefer more of a private setting when i first meet someone, thats why i would like to do a movie at your place, cuddle. maybe kiss. No sex if u don’t want to, first. U can cook for me or i can buy something. Then after that we can try to do outside stuff lol. Is that ok with you?
Well all sounds ok but why are you not inviting me to your place for such an occasion?
Because I live with the fan. Otherwise i wouldn’t mind
Well, I have to say that it’s strange that you’d invite yourself to my house and also that you won’t compromise and meet me out. We can talk, cuddle, and kiss in many places in this city other than my sofa.
Ok ,I didn’t mean to invite my self anywhere, but now that you mention it it looks like it. Im sorry. Its ok man. Have a nice day. I think this is turning into too much. U take care. Hope u find what u looking for. Crazy how a ********* that never happened can turn into something so difficult to understand n deal with. Take care.
Thank you and you also 🙂
Allow me to acknowledge that we did meet under sexualized circumstances and so it may be unfair for me to have expected this guy to come out from under that particular shadow. However, I was immediately suspicious of him when he invited himself over to my house for a first meeting, and when he refused to meet me out. What stranger in their right mind thinks that is an acceptable imposition?
None I went to school with.
I could make this article about so many things, but I think what I am most compelled to write about regarding dating and the mysterious on line world of meeting people is paradigms.
It has been my experience that many people take what is written in a dating profile as gospel about the person. It is as if the profile is to represent, with almost religious certainty, what and who the person is…. all of the time, in every moment of their lives, and forever!!!
Fuck no man.
It is nearly impossible to digitize the human form, and completely impossible to digitize the human psyche. Out spirits and personalities are living, changing, multidimensional entities. There is simply no way to encapsulate all of who we are or what we desire in this format. It is shallow and naive to think so.
My motivational moment is about paradigms and how they frame our expectations of one and other. I understand how my profile led this dude to think I was going to fuck him, and, I probably would have. But somewhere in the conversation we were having on the app I sensed that he might be a guy I would want more with…. friendship at the least, etc. So I decided to steer things that direction. it didn’t work, which tells me two things. First, I have the capability of adjusting my paradigm. Second, he does not.
I know for a fact that many of my millions of readers are dating and meeting others on line. I know we are a spectrum of people… some are out for a good time and just wanting to fuck… others are looking for love, and every combination in-between. All of that is ok in my view. What has bothered me for so long is that we cannot rely on digital media to encapsulate who and what we are, and what we are looking for. We have to meet in real life and see how we get along. We all take the risk of getting rejected, or even having our time wasted. But that’s life in the dating game.
I invite everyone to think about how different it would be if we could shift our paradigms once in a while. How might the dating world change if we could exercise more mental flexibility towards potential mates? After all, we are all in this together. Maybe its time we start acting like teammates and not combatants.
Peace and Love,
It’s a full moon and I swear that the tides are pulling my insides this way and that… I’m a mess. Have been for days.
Yesterday, Sunday, I was in such a funk. I felt like Eeyore from the Whinny-The-Poo cartoon… grey as a midwestern sky before a storm. So sad that nothing could get me off the couch and out of the house. I was 100% yuck. All I wanted to do, since I woke up, was sleep.
Today I feel better… though not much has changed. Perhaps the moon is beginning to wane.
My motivational moment today is for my mom, who would always tell me that “this too shall pass.” As I write this I visualize life as a graph depicting the line of best fit, and I imagine life hugging the line as best as possible. Some days rise above it… and some days, like yesterday, fall below. But none the less, the days pass and the line of fit continues ahead (baring something catastrophic).
In life we all have highs and lows. The sommelier at my local wine bar called it UMS (ugly man syndrome). Like PMS it may last a day or so, but it passes with time and eventually we level out.
Cheers to the highs and the lows, and to knowing that we will always hug the life of fit as best we can… that “it” will pass… and that we will all be all right.
My friend Liz has a bunch of teenage children cause she’s a hoe and this morning I watched her helping one of them with a high school English essay. His name is Twist, he’s black, and he’s lazy as fuck. Twist was complaining “why do I have to do this?” And “that’s extra” telling my friend Liz that she’s doing too much (work).
Twist is an athlete, and his life is filled with promise. On the field he’s a star but in the classroom he’s weak. The boy has athletic stamina but shows no ability to persevere in academics. While Liz helped him all I could think is that he complains about school work like a Mexican mammas boy!
Today my motivational moment is about endurance and how athletic teens need to be persistent on and off the field. As I tell many of my clients… you need to act smart to be smart. In this case, being smart is getting your ass in gear and getting work done.
Endurance should not be reserved only for the field. Well rounded individuals are those who push through obstacals be they physical or academic. They act the part to be the part. Those who don’t will probably remain dependent mommas boys forever.
My advice to all teens… especially the athlete… is to be great in all aspects of life… to not complain… and to always act the part you are preparing to be cast in.