So this happened…. I met a guy on a dating/hookup site. He came on to me for a hook up basically inviting himself over to “watch Netflix and chill.” Initially I told him that I wasn’t feeling well because of being hung over after my birthday celebration. Next I tried my best to steer the conversation towards something more dignified like meeting for coffee or a bite to eat. This is literally the conversation we had through text via phone (more was previously said on the app and that has not been included here as it is pretty much irrelevant):
Sunday 6:21 pm
Hey! so doing better now. I was wondering if you’d be down to meet up for a bite to eat instead. I think I really need to eat then come home and get some rest. How’s that sound?
I would, but I just had dinner with the parents
Ok. Let’s meet another time then cause I’m really feeling tired even tho I feel better. Sorry!
Mmm ok. We’ll see. I tried. When would that another time ben
Honestly it was a long night and I’m tired and haven’t been feeling well so the thought of sex is not appealing at the moment. Almost any time. I’m ********* and off *********.
Sure. I’m having lunch with my parents and then free.
Ok we’ll keep in touch then
Monday 11:35 am
Are u home?
So I can go right now lol
Wow dude. So you are just about a hook up.
I’m not looking for sex right now. Other things going on.
Well that what we talked about at first why are u even surprise?
Cause I was trying to get you to hang out for more than just that and you are all hard core sexting me. LOL. I’m not surprised. Just surprised you are only down for that that’s all.
U have in your profile ******** I men come on bro. I said I was down to have a bromance not a boyfriend.
I know what I put on there and I also know that is only one side of my self. So yeah, if you can’t get that then I’m sorry. Catch me another time when all I want to do is fuck mindlessly lol.
Been horny just like u when u get horny n u wanna **************. Don’t ne saying “wow i only wanna hook up” i mean thats what i got from your profile. What do u mean i only wanna have sex? I mean duh? I said i was down to cuddle, watch a movie, hang out. idk why all of a sudden u getting mad i mean wasn’t the main reason we talked on ********* to *********? Lol n then the rest fall into place don’t make it weird
This is too much for texting. Look I’d probably get down with you in the end anyway but bromance means we are bros too and I really don’t want to start off knowing you just from us ********. And btw you were away more graphic about what you wanted to do (earlier texting on dating app) so please don’t play innocent. I’m not mad either. I’m just asserting what I want to happen. I don’t think I’m making it weird suggesting that we have a bite to eat or something.
I got busy, and i never play the innocent, thats the last thing i wanna be. We can do that, i don’t mind. But I’m a horndog n u gonna have to deal with that too if u are willing to have a bromance i don’t mind. When i first meet someone a more private setting i prefer. Maybe we can watch a movie at your place. i’ll bring food and u can cook for me lol we can cuddle, maybe kiss. No sex! if thats what you prefer I’m ok with that, the second time we can grab a bite.
I’m down for all that. Trust me I’m not trying to lock down a boyfriend but I want more than just some ***********. So cool let’s set something up to meet. Do you drink, *******, bike ride? What are you hobbies.
Well if we get lost in the boyfriend world maybe lol i drink. I can *******. But i don’t really do it. I like bike rides buy i don’t have one. Like to go for walks to the beach. Like to go to by bootcamp n gym, Movies, cuddle lol eat. Bars, clubs but sometimes i just wanna be lazy n stay home lol
Why does the boyfriend world allow you to drink? lol
Lol forgot to put a comma lol
Ok we have some thins in common and some not I’m not really into the gay bars but I do like to go out with friends to a cool restaurant bar etc. Oh haha I get it. You’re saying maybe to getting a bite to eat first or something like that, right?
Thats good lol Nope the opposite lol.
Ok? Clarification then please 🙂
I prefer more of a private setting when i first meet someone, thats why i would like to do a movie at your place, cuddle. maybe kiss. No sex if u don’t want to, first. U can cook for me or i can buy something. Then after that we can try to do outside stuff lol. Is that ok with you?
Well all sounds ok but why are you not inviting me to your place for such an occasion?
Because I live with the fan. Otherwise i wouldn’t mind
Well, I have to say that it’s strange that you’d invite yourself to my house and also that you won’t compromise and meet me out. We can talk, cuddle, and kiss in many places in this city other than my sofa.
Ok ,I didn’t mean to invite my self anywhere, but now that you mention it it looks like it. Im sorry. Its ok man. Have a nice day. I think this is turning into too much. U take care. Hope u find what u looking for. Crazy how a ********* that never happened can turn into something so difficult to understand n deal with. Take care.
Thank you and you also 🙂
Allow me to acknowledge that we did meet under sexualized circumstances and so it may be unfair for me to have expected this guy to come out from under that particular shadow. However, I was immediately suspicious of him when he invited himself over to my house for a first meeting, and when he refused to meet me out. What stranger in their right mind thinks that is an acceptable imposition?
None I went to school with.
I could make this article about so many things, but I think what I am most compelled to write about regarding dating and the mysterious on line world of meeting people is paradigms.
It has been my experience that many people take what is written in a dating profile as gospel about the person. It is as if the profile is to represent, with almost religious certainty, what and who the person is…. all of the time, in every moment of their lives, and forever!!!
Fuck no man.
It is nearly impossible to digitize the human form, and completely impossible to digitize the human psyche. Out spirits and personalities are living, changing, multidimensional entities. There is simply no way to encapsulate all of who we are or what we desire in this format. It is shallow and naive to think so.
My motivational moment is about paradigms and how they frame our expectations of one and other. I understand how my profile led this dude to think I was going to fuck him, and, I probably would have. But somewhere in the conversation we were having on the app I sensed that he might be a guy I would want more with…. friendship at the least, etc. So I decided to steer things that direction. it didn’t work, which tells me two things. First, I have the capability of adjusting my paradigm. Second, he does not.
I know for a fact that many of my millions of readers are dating and meeting others on line. I know we are a spectrum of people… some are out for a good time and just wanting to fuck… others are looking for love, and every combination in-between. All of that is ok in my view. What has bothered me for so long is that we cannot rely on digital media to encapsulate who and what we are, and what we are looking for. We have to meet in real life and see how we get along. We all take the risk of getting rejected, or even having our time wasted. But that’s life in the dating game.
I invite everyone to think about how different it would be if we could shift our paradigms once in a while. How might the dating world change if we could exercise more mental flexibility towards potential mates? After all, we are all in this together. Maybe its time we start acting like teammates and not combatants.
Peace and Love,