Let me start by saying that for years I have participated in the world of recreational online sex. I went to therapy to address this, and several years later, the knowledge I gained in sessions is starting to show up in my life. I hope that is enough information to give context to this blog.
As individuals we have the ability to create and state what we want. “I want to loose weight” or “I want to get married”. We can claim goals for ourselves, however we cannot always map out how we get there. I’ve learned that it is important to recognize approximations of success because as life takes its course and the influence of others enters our realms, we must be cautious to judge ourselves. It’s crucial that we keep our eye on the prize and that we don’t let incremental challenges derail our journey.
Recently in began dating a guy. I thought he was the perfect guy for me… he lives local, we share hobbies, and we have a passion for travel. We even decided to take a trip to Mexico City together.
Prior to the trip I began to notice some things about him that seemed questionable. He’s been a little flaky, he’s lacked in communication, and he really isn’t good in the sack. In fact he’s one of the worst lovers I’ve ever had. However, the trip was planned and paid for and so I stuck it out for the sake of opportunity… I was going to go on vacation to a place that I had never seen, and I was going to go with someone I was dating (a first for me).
It’s the last day of the trip and I’m writing this after waking up to a note saying that he’d be back in a few hours. No big deal. I actually don’t really care because the trip helped me see two important things… a beautiful city, and how completely incompatible we are.
Part of me started to feel bad on this trip… like I was wasting my time traveling with him. I felt bad sitting at dinner tables in silence as he stared off into space. Then I realized that I really didn’t care… and that’s when I began to reframe things to see my successes, and not the consequential failures his influence imparted in my journey.
Let’s take stock:
I’ve always wanted to be with a guy who likes to travel and love the idea of seeing the world with the man I’m into. (Check)
I’ve wanted to be dating a local guy with similar hobbies (check)
In the areas that are lacking… sex and conversation… it’s completely fair to say that the low proficiency is due to him, not me.
Taking a step back to see the whole picture, and how he fits with my journey towards love and partnership, I realized that I have not failed. In fact I have triumphed. I’ve done things with this man that I’ve always wanted to do with a guy… and I’ve enjoyed them. Although it is clear to me now that we are not going to end up together, I also realize that I have actualized many of my desires in life through the experience of dating him.
Today, the last day of my trip, my motivational moment is about approximations of success and how important it is to recognize that we cannot control the influence of others in our lives, but that we can control our influences on our own lives.
Sure I may be ready for a partner… but I cannot just call down for room service and order the perfect man. Rather I’ll need to continue to experiment with dating until I find that perfect match.
This guy fits many of my aspirations in a partner. Even though I know he and I are not going to be together I deserve a big pat on the back for choosing to explore a relationship with someone who embodies many of the things I am looking for. Yeah… it’s not going to work outwits him, however I’m still on track towards my goal of being with someone wonderful…
Bad sex and conversation aside he’s a good guy and someone who could have been right for me… and I’m happy that I’ve manifested such an example of my own growth and change.
Onward and upward!
Peace and love,