Xanax, and justice for all!

I haven’t been on any dating sites for a while now. I used to be, and to be honest all that has resulted is a collection of confusing experiences, and opportunities for me to be a whore. l knew that I needed to cleanse myself of that and so I decided to take a break. I now rely on real life to introduce me to people. People… not just single guys, but people who are in the world living and doing as I do.

Recently the universe has presented some opportunities, but unfortunately many seem to be via the bar scene. I go out occasionally and drink, but I also am working to moderate that behavior so that it works for me, not against me. Consequently, it is becoming harder to identify with people who live that drinking life.

One man I met recently, lets call him Juan, was clearly caught up in that drinking life. After about an hour of conversation I learned the following facts:

  1. He took a Xanax before coming out.
  2. His drink of the night was a side car on the rocks with no sugar. (he had 5 in front of me)
  3. He has no job.
  4. He’s living off some sort of trust fund that’s NOT going to last through his life. (perhaps an inheritance that he seems to be irresponsibly blowing through)

Let’s break this down:

  1. I’ve never done Xanax and drank because I’m pretty sure that I learned in high school health class that doing so fucks you up like blackout status. So, no thank you.
  2. Sidecars are delicious, 5 would probably kill me.
  3. You should have a job even if you have a real trust fund.
  4. Trust funds last for a life time and are still not a justification for not working. (I know because I know people who have them. Managing one’s trust fund is a full time job so that should make Juan…  a financial analyst, right?)

What’s the moral of the story?

Today, my motivational moment is about the evidence of change and how it is important to give ourselves a pat on the back when we notice that we are demonstrating the change we intend to make in our lives.

This is my pat on the back.

I was at the same bar drinking along side Juan, but when I learned these things about him it became clear to me that he was not the type of person I wanted to surround myself with. Before The Ladybear I may have accepted his advances, but not now. I was not going to ride that wave. I was having my own party that night, and I intended to be the one to direct it where to go.

To anyone reading this…. it may not feel like a profound story because you aren’t me and because you haven’t lived my life. But trust me when I tell you that this ability to recognize good and bad character whilst in the moment of elevation from wine and weed is a profound and valuable skill. Deciding not to engage with people who tell you things that you don’t like… making that personal choice to put yourself first…  that is a wonderful strength that I hope we all can possess.

For me, a person who was raised by an abusive and neglectful father… a person who as molested by their therapist…. a person who always sought approval from others… it feels dam good to be in charge of my life in this way. It fills me with gratitude and pride that I asked the information seeking questions I did, and that I used the information to make a decision about what I wanted. Good for me and what  nice manifestation of my change process.

I may have thought a little bit about Juan and his feelings. In the end however I put myself first. As I often tell a dear friend of mine, you gotta act smart to be smart.

I’ll definitely skip the Xanax, but I will forever fight for the justice I deserve! So should you :).



Student of the year.

“Some people can’t believe in themselves until someone else believes in them first.”

– Sean Maguire, from Good Will Hunting

I have a day job that allows me to connect with young people in a deep and meaningful way. One of those people is a girl named Angel. I’m naming her that because she is an angel to me. Angel is a girl from the ghetto. She’s black, she’s being raised by her grandparents, she is in special education. And… she is totally fucking beautiful and amazing. She is one of those people with the power to light up a room. And despite being obviously poor (she often complains of headaches and hunger) whenever Angle has something to share like a box of cookies or a bag of chips… she shares them with others. She is just that kind of good. You don’t get that very often.

Angel and I have crossed paths by the grace of god. She is teaching me so much about kindness, about appreciation for friendship. She is as meant to be in my life right now as I am to be in hers. Tonight my motivational moment is about the crossing of paths. I believe that in life we are not all meant to walk along side one and other forever, but rather that we are put before each other coincidently… and that sometimes that coincidence is divine intervention. Angel and I have crossed paths recently because of forces greater than I can observe, but I do know that they are there working in the background.

In life, we are given so many wonderful opportunities. Some don’t show their worth to us right away, some are hard to recognize. No matter, we are constantly at odds with a left or a right, a black or a white, an up or a down. My advice to us all is to stay attuned to the people and things that cross our paths because good or bad they are all presented to teach us something. 


Gurl there’s a sale on kindness, aisle 69. 

I went to walk my dog tonight before bed. Had to let her pee one more time. I ran into two neighbors, a gay couple who also have a dog, and I was so upset as a result that I wrote this:

Dear neighbor, 

I’m sorry that I’ve forgotten your name, but I’m The Ladybear Plantain, your neighbor with the grey dog. Your (I assume) boyfriend, who’s name I also forget, was rather rude to me tonight. I’m sure she bitched about me when you two got home. Admittedly I came out with my dog off the leash. Anyway, instead of saying hi and being friendly to me (as I had to you both… perhaps you didn’t hear me) I saw your boyfriend give me a nasty look while not even bothering to take his eyes off his phone. (Total major evil gay eye roll of disgust). 

TBH, you’ve always been cool towards me and I have nothing against either of you. Your boyfriend however has sometimes been rude to me. This was before he met you when I knew him through different friends. Despite having some similar friends he was never friendly or welcoming to me, however I have no idea why. That said… it would be nice if I could come to expect the same type of friendly neighborly behavior from you both that I get from everyone else in the building. 


Your neighbor. 

*** IDK if I’m going to send it. ***

Tonight my motivational moment is about choosing kindness, one of our cheapest emotional resources. My neighbor has always been cool with me, but my neighbors boyfriend has always been a little bitch. I have no idea why. I can’t recall ever acting rudely toward him. So, I just assume he’s jealous of me, or likes me, and I decide to leave it there… 

Now the fool has come for my dog???? Bitch pissed off The Ladybear Plantain and all I’ve got to say is that there is a sale on good attitudes, aisle 69, and she needs to go suck a dick. 

In all seriousness… when we have a choice in our behavior, why not choose kindness? When we have the choice to say hi, ask how someone’s doing, or flash a smile…. why do some people go low and act like bitches? To me kindness is one of the cheapest and easiest thing to “have” in life. It’s the word hello, a thoughtful question of someone, a wave. Even eye contact. When something so good is so easy??? I’m beyond.  


You have the right to NOTHING. 

A friend of mine just got this text from a person she had been on a few dates with. This person, a woman named Dan, is rather strange because she refers to herself in the third person. For example, the text today said:

“So, do you never want to hang out with dan again? I miss hanging out with you…”

Strange, right?

So my friend Maxine (pseudonym) is a very sensitive and caring individual. Naturally, a text like this propells her into all of the reasons why she should respond to the tex, and further disection about how to respond, etc. I love her, but having been down this road before I interrupt.

“you know its perfectly acceptable for you to not respond.”

We’ve discussed so much about our relationship woes with each other in the past… I know she knows immediately what I mean and she replies:

“thank you for that. your right and I have to remember that. I don’t have to write back at all!”

She feels better.

Today, my motivational moment is about nothing and the idea that doing nothing (you could think of it as inaction or non action) is a perfectly acceptable option for everyone to exercise, if and when they see fit. Its about the idea that doing nothing, saying nothing, not being available…. those are all perfectly sufficient options of reply.

We often put our concern for others before ourselves. In today’s digitized lifestyle information comes at us faster than ever before. Some people alive today grew up listening to the radio with their families on Friday evenings. Now, we have the entire digital universe in our back pockets and handbags. Suddenly we are a world of people com-pulsed to reply to everything… instantly… and all of the time. Have we forgotten that in fact we don’t have to act on every stimulus that works it’s way to our attention?

The world today bombards us with demands. We have friend requests (oh so important), comments to our posts (have to get to those), text messages, direct messages, emails, voice mails (thank god those are going out of style), likes, check ins, tweets. To me it’s overwhelming… the amount of information we are responding to, making decisions about, reposting, commenting on.

I guess my final idea about doing nothing is that when it matters…. when your response takes effort and energy….. whenever and however it counts to you… one option you always have in your back pocket or your purse is to just do nothing at all.

Peace and love,



TRANSphobia alive in California. 

Recently I went to a local California high school and observed a student club meeting for the Gay Straight Alliance, or GSA. To my surprise students brought up the topic of transphobia sighting that they (trans students) are afraid to use school bathrooms because of fear that they will get beat up despite the fact that there are no reported incidences of assaults on trans students on this particular campus.

About 20 years ago, after being bullied by my peers, I became a high school drop out. I was gay, I was badly and repeatedly harassed, and I eventually became fearful of my school campus. 20 years ago, being a gay man was as odd as being a trans person is odd today. For that reason I empathized with these GSA/trans students and was glad to share my point of view with them at their meeting.

Today my motivational moment is about TRANSparancy and the idea that in order to serve the needs of all students… campuses and all public places need to be crystal clear about their policies for enforcing the law and for punishing those who break it. Society needs to understand that kids are not going to the bathroom on high school campuses in 2017 out of fear for their safety. This fear is wrapped up in the uncertainty of how they might be treated should a negative altercation TRANSpire. It’s the same reason I was in fear for my safety. I didn’t know who I could trust in the event that I really needed help. I didn’t know what would happen to me if I was beat up for being a queer man. I didn’t know how my school, my community, or my family would react if I was involved in an incident that was the result of someone else’s reaction to my sexuality and gender identity. As a teen, because I didn’t know how things would play out, I was in fear that ANYTHING I did could result in a negative repercussion… even if it wasn’t my fault or doing.

TRANSparancy is about all stakeholders sharing a clear and publicly valued set of rules and consequences. And… it’s about sending the message to young people that they are valued and protected no matter what their orientation happens to be. Schools, parents, communities! We need to be better about how and how often we demonstrate how we value minority groups so that kids in California and across the globe feel safe to be who they are. So that kids don’t have to wonder what will happen if something happens. For god sake, no person should have to postpone a basic human need like using the restroom because they do not feel safe, or worse yet because they assume that their community will not support them in the event that they should encounter a harmful situation.

Peace and love,