Choice vs. Impulse

Recently I had a long conversation with my dear friend Maxine about relationships and the big “aha” we shared was this:

In today’s world of online dating, where there are so many options bombarding us, what puts some a cut above the rest is their ability to pick wisely.

It came to light in our conversation that it is important to be choosy about who to engage with at ALL levels, and that instead of throwing a wide net that might catch a lot of fish it is more valuable to cast out a single line when the conditions are right. Furthermore, it is vital that online daters, like her and I, refrain from the temptation of every piece of bait.

Today my motivational moment is about choice versus impulse, and how exercising choice can lead us more efficiently towards our desired outcomes. For instance, Maxine wants to be with a girl who is edgy, cool, accomplished, and open-hearted. I recently met a girl she has been on and off with, and she’s pretty awesome. Even though there have been some low points in their relationship I can at least vouch for the fact that she is an awesome chick. Maxine made a good choice pursuing her and now they have a friendship that flirts its way along. There may not be a commitment on the horizon, but Maxine has a quality friend out of this relationship. If nothing more… that’s pretty fantastic.

When dating… It is so important that we act from a place of choice, and not a place of impulse because in human to human relationships acting on impulse puts a lot of control and power in the hands of someone else. Choice on the other hand draws us towards our core values and desires, and helps us to maintain personal balance in our lives. It’s through impulse that we get what someone else wants, and through choice that we get what we want. For that reason alone, we must choose wisely.

Peace and Love,

TLP

How many dates would you go on before you fucked a guy…. if you already fucked the guy? And a side bar.

My closest friend in the world is starting to date a guy that he met 3 years ago on Craigslist. They met because my friend was looking to have some hot fun, and his Latino ass fit the bill.

Fast forward three years and the meet again… this time on Grindr.

Round two.

There was still a strong sexual undertone in the conversation about them getting together. They talked about hanging out and watching Netflix, and talked about maybe having a drink. Horny-ness was acknowledged and plans were made.

They met, watched some TV, and then decided to lay down and “take a nap” while watching a movie. One film led to another. They cuddled the entire time… holding each other, holding hands, his lips pressed to his shoulder.

(Who knows about the other guy but my friend definitely felt something.)

They’re about to go on their third date… prior to which my friend reached out to ask how long you should wait to fuck a guy your dating, even tho you fucked before?!

This time things seemed different. It felt like these two very sexual individuals had realized that they had more between them than they past imagined.

The answer is complicated.

Assuming an answer exists.

Today, this 4th of July, my motivational moment is about time and how the layering of experiences is ultimately what leads us to be who we are, and to have what we have… as individuals, as partners, as family, and as friends. Time is the key ingredient to our lives because it is the vessel that allows our actions to equate all that we are.

My advice to my friend is… as long as he and you are engaging and planning to spend time together than the best thing to be done is to enjoy the moments and look forward to planning the next.

As for the sex, who knows? But, time will tell.

TLP

Sidebar —

It occurs to me that there is another issue at hand here. One that I think needs to be raised and discussed. Perhaps I will lend more detail to it at a future time, but allow me to touch on it briefly now.

In the world of online dating new behaviors are emerging. Specifically, we are having more connectivity to one and other, and for that reason there has been a marked increase in casual sex.

People are enjoying these new sexual freedoms and opportunities.

However…

There seems to be some difficulty transitioning between the lifestyle of sexual freedom, to the lifestyle of dating and partnership. One thing my friend is concerned with is how he and his guy might be able to discuss how one and other indulged in the digital dating lifestyle when they were single. He is also concerned about deciding what indulgences may or may not continue should he and this guy couple up. As he puts it… “When you were claiming to want a 3-way 3 years ago…. how do you take it from that to ‘husband and wife’ ?”

Just something to chew on.

TLP

Xanax, and justice for all!

I haven’t been on any dating sites for a while now. I used to be, and to be honest all that has resulted is a collection of confusing experiences, and opportunities for me to be a whore. l knew that I needed to cleanse myself of that and so I decided to take a break. I now rely on real life to introduce me to people. People… not just single guys, but people who are in the world living and doing as I do.

Recently the universe has presented some opportunities, but unfortunately many seem to be via the bar scene. I go out occasionally and drink, but I also am working to moderate that behavior so that it works for me, not against me. Consequently, it is becoming harder to identify with people who live that drinking life.

One man I met recently, lets call him Juan, was clearly caught up in that drinking life. After about an hour of conversation I learned the following facts:

  1. He took a Xanax before coming out.
  2. His drink of the night was a side car on the rocks with no sugar. (he had 5 in front of me)
  3. He has no job.
  4. He’s living off some sort of trust fund that’s NOT going to last through his life. (perhaps an inheritance that he seems to be irresponsibly blowing through)

Let’s break this down:

  1. I’ve never done Xanax and drank because I’m pretty sure that I learned in high school health class that doing so fucks you up like blackout status. So, no thank you.
  2. Sidecars are delicious, 5 would probably kill me.
  3. You should have a job even if you have a real trust fund.
  4. Trust funds last for a life time and are still not a justification for not working. (I know because I know people who have them. Managing one’s trust fund is a full time job so that should make Juan…  a financial analyst, right?)

What’s the moral of the story?

Today, my motivational moment is about the evidence of change and how it is important to give ourselves a pat on the back when we notice that we are demonstrating the change we intend to make in our lives.

This is my pat on the back.

I was at the same bar drinking along side Juan, but when I learned these things about him it became clear to me that he was not the type of person I wanted to surround myself with. Before The Ladybear I may have accepted his advances, but not now. I was not going to ride that wave. I was having my own party that night, and I intended to be the one to direct it where to go.

To anyone reading this…. it may not feel like a profound story because you aren’t me and because you haven’t lived my life. But trust me when I tell you that this ability to recognize good and bad character whilst in the moment of elevation from wine and weed is a profound and valuable skill. Deciding not to engage with people who tell you things that you don’t like… making that personal choice to put yourself first…  that is a wonderful strength that I hope we all can possess.

For me, a person who was raised by an abusive and neglectful father… a person who as molested by their therapist…. a person who always sought approval from others… it feels dam good to be in charge of my life in this way. It fills me with gratitude and pride that I asked the information seeking questions I did, and that I used the information to make a decision about what I wanted. Good for me and what  nice manifestation of my change process.

I may have thought a little bit about Juan and his feelings. In the end however I put myself first. As I often tell a dear friend of mine, you gotta act smart to be smart.

I’ll definitely skip the Xanax, but I will forever fight for the justice I deserve! So should you :).

TLP

You have the right to NOTHING. 

A friend of mine just got this text from a person she had been on a few dates with. This person, a woman named Dan, is rather strange because she refers to herself in the third person. For example, the text today said:

“So, do you never want to hang out with dan again? I miss hanging out with you…”

Strange, right?

So my friend Maxine (pseudonym) is a very sensitive and caring individual. Naturally, a text like this propells her into all of the reasons why she should respond to the tex, and further disection about how to respond, etc. I love her, but having been down this road before I interrupt.

“you know its perfectly acceptable for you to not respond.”

We’ve discussed so much about our relationship woes with each other in the past… I know she knows immediately what I mean and she replies:

“thank you for that. your right and I have to remember that. I don’t have to write back at all!”

She feels better.

Today, my motivational moment is about nothing and the idea that doing nothing (you could think of it as inaction or non action) is a perfectly acceptable option for everyone to exercise, if and when they see fit. Its about the idea that doing nothing, saying nothing, not being available…. those are all perfectly sufficient options of reply.

We often put our concern for others before ourselves. In today’s digitized lifestyle information comes at us faster than ever before. Some people alive today grew up listening to the radio with their families on Friday evenings. Now, we have the entire digital universe in our back pockets and handbags. Suddenly we are a world of people com-pulsed to reply to everything… instantly… and all of the time. Have we forgotten that in fact we don’t have to act on every stimulus that works it’s way to our attention?

The world today bombards us with demands. We have friend requests (oh so important), comments to our posts (have to get to those), text messages, direct messages, emails, voice mails (thank god those are going out of style), likes, check ins, tweets. To me it’s overwhelming… the amount of information we are responding to, making decisions about, reposting, commenting on.

I guess my final idea about doing nothing is that when it matters…. when your response takes effort and energy….. whenever and however it counts to you… one option you always have in your back pocket or your purse is to just do nothing at all.

Peace and love,

TLP